I need you to know that I am struggling…

As I lie in bed, I feel the warm tears flow down my face as the fan whirls above me instantly cooling the streams my tears leave behind as they run off my face onto my pillow. I lie there completely numb to my surroundings. Do I know why I’m crying? No. It just feels like the right thing to do and feeling anything when this numb and this miserable is something.

I need to be honest with you… I am struggling. I am going through a hard time. My depression has been incredibly difficult lately on top of other trials in my life. It makes me extremely numb to what is going on around me and I just go through the motions of life without a second thought. I can spend hours lying in bed doing nothing which usually leads to me crying for no good reason.

KristaWhy am I telling you this? I might know you personally, I might not and so there is a good chance that you could care less about how I am doing. But it is not about you. This is about me and I need you to know that I am struggling because I have been meeting with a counselor for my depression every week and I learned something very important in our last visit.

Last week I was given homework from the counselor to watch The Power of Vulnerability, which is amazing. I watched and thought, “Wow, that is fantastic. I am so glad I don’t struggle with vulnerability.”  I don’t right? I mean I have a blog dedicated to talking about my life and I am honest in it about the struggles that I have had. That sounds like someone who has got vulnerability down!

As I was talking with the counselor about the video I realized something very serious about myself. I always talk about how I struggled, not about how I am struggling. I put on a face that everything is great and that I am okay because I am terrified of people finding out what is really going on.

Having struggled and overcome a hard trial is a positive thing and it makes people proud of you. Being in the middle of a hard trial makes people worry and pity you. I don’t need or want anyone’s pity and I’m secretly terrified of anyone seeing me and my struggles in a negative light. I worry too much about what people think of me and my situations.

The truth is that life is going to be full of trials and I can’t hide what is going on until after it is over. What if a trial never ends in this life? What if I need the support of others? I need to be more vulnerable by being honest about what is going on in my life and how I really feel about it despite what people may think. So here goes…

Like I said, my depression has been a consistent problem. I have tried eating healthier and exercising more. I have been better about scripture reading and saying my prayers but even though they have all helped me in some ways it hasn’t helped as much as I had hoped. As you know I am seeing a counselor regularly and I have now decided that it is time to start medication and see if that will also help. I am not going to lie that things have been really hard lately and I have done a lot of crying into my pillow.

I know things are going to get better. I have faith that there is a reason that I am having to go through these trials in my life even though it hasn’t been easy. I am so grateful that I have such a loving husband who has stood by my side through everything. I am also grateful to my Savior who knows every pain I am going through even when I don’t understand them myself.

I don’t know who you are and why you are reading this but I need you to know something… I am struggling… and I am okay that you know that.

(Photo courtesy of Valerie Walker Photography)

20 comments

  1. It is a struggle and the best part is that you are aware of this. Accepting it, and deciding to take action to mend things for self-betterment are what will help you always. Stay strong and persist my friend…:)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel everything that you have described, and it was kinda nice to read that I am not alone in feeling the way I feel. I just reached out yesterday for help. I am hoping that I can make it through. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate this post. And I hope that your struggles become better. Thank You.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for putting yourself out there. When I was first diagnosed with depression, the 2nd visit with the doctor he said “I practically had to defy you to take medication”. But I’ve been on different medication through out the years also, so if one does not help, please try another. And please keep going to therapy, I did not think it would help me, but it does in the long run. Also, last but far from least, keep the faith, Heavenly Father is always there even if you don’t feel him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful post! I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life and did not realize it until I was 30! I have been on medication since then (15yrs). I am grateful to a Heavenly Father who has provided the knowledge for us to have the medication, it is a life saver! Never be ashamed of your struggle, you never know who you can help by sharing! Depression is not easy, but you will make it through!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sweetheart, I am so glad you are sharing your feelings. It takes courage to share and reach out. We want you to know that you are not alone. Your great grandmother on my side of the family and Pop Pop on your grandpa’s side struggled for years with this, too. But the wonderful thing is they do have medications now. They can be a great help. We know of a number of people who have struggled and have found help with the medications. You are and always will be our precious Granddaughter. We love you and are here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so glad you shared this. There are more people out there struggling that you might think. I can very much empathize with what you are feeling. I have been dealing with depression over the last 10 years. There were days I couldn’t stop from crying, I was mean to my family, and grumpy and tired. I had done all the things you are doing, eating right, scripture reading, praying, exercising, lots of counseling. It wasn’t until my counsellor recommended that I see a psychiatrist that things really turned around. She spent an hour asking me questions narrowing down exactly the best way to treat me. In the end she prescribed me a couple of medications that really worked and the use of a light therapy lamp (which I thought was really hokey but I actually really love it). I was so worried about being one of those that had to rely on medication. I didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t work it out on my own. But the change has been stunning and wonderful! My marriage had taken some serious wear and tear because of my depression and so had my faith and my children suffered because of it too. I was never fully engaged in my relationships with people. And to be perfectly honest, I might have had more children if I had been treated earlier. After beginning the medication and seeing the differences because of it I started to view the medication differently. I finally, after years, was feeling normal again!! It was such a relief. It is like living with any other illness whether it is diabetes, or cancer or MS or any disease medication can treat it. My counselor helped me see that this was something that I couldn’t train myself out of, couldn’t work my way out of, couldn’t think my way out of. It has made all the difference in the world to me. I still go to counseling weekly and probably will for a long time. It is just part of the process. Life isn’t perfect. I still have my ups and downs. I still have days that are tough and I don’t want to get out of bed, but overall I’m so much happier and so is my husband and so are my children. Love you Krista!! You really are wonderful! and I really admire your courage in sharing this message.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I can not come anywhere close to imagining what h*ll people must go through with depression. I’ve often wondered what ‘triggers’ it. My mom was never a morning person and used to tease me about being far too cheerful at breakfast time when she was barely awake. From what I’ve read it must feel like you’re being slowly eaten away inside by sorrow and anxiety. I know that there is no magic cure and that when people tell you to cheer up you feel like bopping them a good one over the head. There are so many ailments that inflict us today for no apparent reason. I pray that there is a handsome(?) lab rat (person) sitting in his lab somewhere who is so close to finding the solution that he can barely breath from excitement.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I have the same issue and actually just wrote a series on my own blog last month about depression (Not to be spammy but if you should be interested in it, it’s in the April archive at AuthorBrandiKennedy.blogspot.com). But I really just wanted to comment to say that you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. please hang in there. I AM AN OLD LADY so o have years of ups and downs with depression. I could not believe how I could have depression because I have been so happy
    Y married to a wonderful husband and we had five wonderful children . 1 began having serious pro lens when I lost my oldest son suixidw. He found out his wife was cheering ob him, then years later I found out my youngest son was gay and has had thoughts about suicide. He even went on a mission and thegraduates with honors from BYU and went to medical school and graduated with award for the @St compassionate doctors. I am too tired to write more tonight but I would like to talk. To to tell you more of our life, I would en courage you to start medications. I use Cymbalta and it does help,

    Liked by 1 person

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