As I lie in bed, I feel the warm tears flow down my face as the fan whirls above me instantly cooling the streams my tears leave behind as they run off my face onto my pillow. I lie there completely numb to my surroundings. Do I know why I’m crying? No. It just feels like the right thing to do and feeling anything when this numb and this miserable is something.
I need to be honest with you… I am struggling. I am going through a hard time. My depression has been incredibly difficult lately on top of other trials in my life. It makes me extremely numb to what is going on around me and I just go through the motions of life without a second thought. I can spend hours lying in bed doing nothing which usually leads to me crying for no good reason.
Why am I telling you this? I might know you personally, I might not and so there is a good chance that you could care less about how I am doing. But it is not about you. This is about me and I need you to know that I am struggling because I have been meeting with a counselor for my depression every week and I learned something very important in our last visit.
Last week I was given homework from the counselor to watch The Power of Vulnerability, which is amazing. I watched and thought, “Wow, that is fantastic. I am so glad I don’t struggle with vulnerability.” I don’t right? I mean I have a blog dedicated to talking about my life and I am honest in it about the struggles that I have had. That sounds like someone who has got vulnerability down!
As I was talking with the counselor about the video I realized something very serious about myself. I always talk about how I struggled, not about how I am struggling. I put on a face that everything is great and that I am okay because I am terrified of people finding out what is really going on.
Having struggled and overcome a hard trial is a positive thing and it makes people proud of you. Being in the middle of a hard trial makes people worry and pity you. I don’t need or want anyone’s pity and I’m secretly terrified of anyone seeing me and my struggles in a negative light. I worry too much about what people think of me and my situations.
The truth is that life is going to be full of trials and I can’t hide what is going on until after it is over. What if a trial never ends in this life? What if I need the support of others? I need to be more vulnerable by being honest about what is going on in my life and how I really feel about it despite what people may think. So here goes…
Like I said, my depression has been a consistent problem. I have tried eating healthier and exercising more. I have been better about scripture reading and saying my prayers but even though they have all helped me in some ways it hasn’t helped as much as I had hoped. As you know I am seeing a counselor regularly and I have now decided that it is time to start medication and see if that will also help. I am not going to lie that things have been really hard lately and I have done a lot of crying into my pillow.
I know things are going to get better. I have faith that there is a reason that I am having to go through these trials in my life even though it hasn’t been easy. I am so grateful that I have such a loving husband who has stood by my side through everything. I am also grateful to my Savior who knows every pain I am going through even when I don’t understand them myself.
I don’t know who you are and why you are reading this but I need you to know something… I am struggling… and I am okay that you know that.
(Photo courtesy of Valerie Walker Photography)