As I lie in bed, I feel the warm tears flow down my face as the fan whirls above me instantly cooling the streams my tears leave behind as they run off my face onto my pillow. I lie there completely numb to my surroundings. Do I know why I’m crying? No. It just feels like the right thing to do and feeling anything when this numb and this miserable is something.
I need to be honest with you… I am struggling. I am going through a hard time. My depression has been incredibly difficult lately on top of other trials in my life. It makes me extremely numb to what is going on around me and I just go through the motions of life without a second thought. I can spend hours lying in bed doing nothing which usually leads to me crying for no good reason.
Why am I telling you this? I might know you personally, I might not and so there is a good chance that you could care less about how I am doing. But it is not about you. This is about me and I need you to know that I am struggling because I have been meeting with a counselor for my depression every week and I learned something very important in our last visit. (more…)
I remember one day in particular that I carefully wrapped tape around each and every finger covering up my fingerprints. As I went throughout the day like normal everything I touched was numb to the most sensitive part of my fingers and I loved the lack of feeling. There was no sane reason for taping up my fingers besides the giddiness I felt from creating physical numbness. At the time it was just a random thing a sleep deprived college student was doing at six o’clock in the morning that I didn’t think much about. Now, I realizes that it was much more concerning than just that. (more…)
Regardless of what my weight has been or how long I took to get ready for the day, every time I walk past a mirror I notice the physical imperfections. I think to myself that I am so ugly and fat that nothing I do can improve that. Then, I sadly continue on with my day feeling slightly more depressed then I had before I passed the mirror. This last Valentines Day I decided that I am doing something different, I am going to fall in love with someone I have never been able to stand, myself. (more…)
This post is about something very personal to me, so I hope you can bear with me. Also, I am not going to pretend for a second that I know anything about what it is like to be an LGBT member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but I feel that I should say something about it.(more…)