A Difficult Sunday

mental divorceSunday… Sunday… Sunday… a day I in which I tend to mentally crash. I really don’t know why Sunday’s are so difficult for me. I could be because it is the start of a new week and that is really overwhelming for me. I also could have something to do with the fact that lately when I go to church I have panic attacks or when I stay home I feel extremely shameful. Regardless, Sundays tend to be me having melt downs where I lay in bed all day crying because I feel so depressed.

Today was no different but I really have tried to have a better handle on it. I made sure to take my depression medication. I have taken a shower (which  is huge!) and eaten several meals (also huge). I have also written and vloged today which has meant allowing myself to feel these shameful feelings and face them.

Despite my minor accomplishments, it’s difficult to not look at today (and all the other Sunday’s from the last year) and feel really defeated. Tears truly have happened today over the lack of progress but it goes back to what I said yesterday. I have to realize that everything is in baby steps.

I am truly learning where my limits are and to be okay with the fact that some days I will not be okay.

Living with Mental Illness

The reality of life is that I have an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. Even though they really affect my life I know that I am not alone in this struggle! I am also not afraid to talk about it. So, I want to better document what it is like to live with mental illness on a daily basis because it does effect my life every single day.

The Greatest Gift (Day 12)

santa-manger.jpgWe walked down the streets of Temple Square. The lights sparked as they surrounded me. The cold biting my exposed cheeks. While standing in front of the temple my activity days leader handed me a shiny little golden box with a bow on top. All of us girls were so excited to see what could be wrapped in this beautiful present.

When I first opened it I was very disappointed. But as time went on I grew to understand and truly appreciated it. (more…)

The Mission Call (Day 11)

elders-general-guidelines-20I did not serve a mission. I wanted to, but didn’t. I had my papers all ready to go but as I was about to submit them I had the strong impression that I shouldn’t. That was a difficult experience but looking back I am grateful that I didn’t. I know it would have been much harder to be a successful missionary with undiagnosed depression and eating disorder.

I have since come to terms with not going on a mission because I learned something very valuable and section eleven of “The Living Christ”  reminded me of that. (more…)

Being Awakened (Day 10)

young-woman-partaking-sacrament_1179143_inlThe shiny tray comes around to me. I grab a piece of bread as I pass the tray to the person next to me. As I partake of the bread I think about how long it has been since I wore a dress and sat in a physical chapel. It was nice to hear the sounds of children crying. It reminded me that I was in an actual ward. (more…)