Depression

What it is like going to the temple with mental illness

7186889084_58969a0453_b“What size dress do you want?” the lady asked me from behind the counter.

Don’t have a panic attack, don’t have a panic attack, I kept thinking to myself as I replied, “I don’t know. What sizes do you have?”

The lady went on to explain all the different sizes that they offered while I tried not to break down and cry. (more…)

The Problem with Optimism

untitled_by_marinacoric-d6d9bitDespite my depression I have always thought of myself as an optimistic person, until the day my therapist told me to stop…

People who seem to be the happiest are those that are the most optimistic. Because of this, there is a lot of push to be optimistic.

Now, I’m not saying that optimism is a bad thing but it is a problem. A problem because, like me, most people do it wrong. (more…)

This is Depression

downloadI woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I couldn’t calm myself down and started feeling shameful and guilty. I’ve been so tired from a week of bad sleep that I just felt so physically and emotionally exhausted.

No matter how much I tried I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I ended up having to call in to work and let them know what was happening. Even though my boss knows everything and is really supportive it is still humiliating to tell her I am struggling, knowing that with each slip up I am letting her down.

I lied in bed all day today with Netflix running while I slept or cried into my pillow. All I could think was that I had been doing so well and now I have ruined all my progress.

I felt like I was just a big disappointment to everyone but especially myself. I knew that because I constantly struggle everyone must hated me. I was so alone and claustrophobically trapped in my own shame.

So, this is what me and my dietitian really talk about…

woman-talking-with-therapist2I had just gotten out of my car and was walking toward the house when our sweet elderly neighbor asked me how my day had been. I mentioned that I was just getting back from my weekly meeting with my dietitian and she replied, “Oh, I should do that because I eat way to much.” Now, she is not the first person to have the misconception about what seeing a dietitian that specializes in eating disorder recovery is like…. so let me explain.

I understand that every dietitian does things differently but this is how my dietitian works with me on recovery. When we first meet, we talk about how my week went. What were my successes; did I engage in any eating disorder behaviors?

We also talk about self correction and how to keep moving forward with my recovery. We spend a lot of time going over body image, how that affects me, and I make goals for the week on how to build a better relationship with my body. She has helped me understand how my depression and anxiety affect my eating disorder and how to continue to fight my eating disorder.

What we don’t talk about is weight or about certain foods being good or bad. Instead we talk about how I need to eat three meals everyday along with three snacks. I don’t have a set food plan. A lot of people think that there are certain things I need to eat or not eat. I know that some dietitians teach that way but not any at my treatment center (which I’m glad because that would just fuel my eating disorder). Instead, I am encouraged to eat things that one wouldn’t normally think a dietitian would encourage someone to eat, but recovery is about learning to  love food again and not fear or feel guilty about eating anything.

I still have a long way to go until I am fully recovered and not everyday do I do everything my dietitian asks…whoops…but one of the best moments I have had so far was going out of town and just enjoying the weekend without stressing about calories and feeling guilty about eating certain things. I did just what my dietitian has worked with me on and it was so freeing. It is moments like that, that gives me hope for recovery and maybe, just maybe, my dietitian knows what she is talking about.

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A Difficult Sunday

mental divorceSunday… Sunday… Sunday… a day I in which I tend to mentally crash. I really don’t know why Sunday’s are so difficult for me. I could be because it is the start of a new week and that is really overwhelming for me. I also could have something to do with the fact that lately when I go to church I have panic attacks or when I stay home I feel extremely shameful. Regardless, Sundays tend to be me having melt downs where I lay in bed all day crying because I feel so depressed.

Today was no different but I really have tried to have a better handle on it. I made sure to take my depression medication. I have taken a shower (which  is huge!) and eaten several meals (also huge). I have also written and vloged today which has meant allowing myself to feel these shameful feelings and face them.

Despite my minor accomplishments, it’s difficult to not look at today (and all the other Sunday’s from the last year) and feel really defeated. Tears truly have happened today over the lack of progress but it goes back to what I said yesterday. I have to realize that everything is in baby steps.

I am truly learning where my limits are and to be okay with the fact that some days I will not be okay.