Family

The Secret to Raising Resilient Children

mother-1039765_1280Every single day I sit down and open up the news on my iPad or see what news is featured in the trending box on Facebook. Each of these times I am confronted with the reality that, despite the great life that I have, the world that I live in can be a scary place. “Murder!” “Terrorist attacks!” “Accidents!” “Death!” the headlines read and I can feel my heart racing because in spite of trying to separate myself from someone else’s reality I know the world’s stress gets to me. If that is how I get hearing the news, I cannot imagine how it must affect children. Children are so impressionable and as an adult and a future parent I want to help my children excel regardless of what is going on around them, but could the answer possibly be so simple? (more…)

Why I stopped saying to my husband, “Good job!”

Don’t say, “Good job!” Have you lost your mind?! That was my exact thought when my Applied Parenting teacher did a lesson on encouragement vs praise. This was the most mind blowing lesson I have ever had because I could see how much my husband and I struggle with this.

The article that goes with that lesson is, “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!” and it explains that when we praise people, more specifically children, we are taking their accomplishment and turning it what we think. When someone accomplishes something it should not matter what we think, if they feel proud of their work then that is what is important. After time, this can cause someone to feel successful only when someone else is proud of their accomplishments.

keep_calm_and_be_proud_of_yourself_by_rainbowrandomness-d6jk4gxInstead of saying good job, we can (more…)

Misbehaving? Alternatives to “Consequences”

I am not a parent!!! But I am taking the class AppLaughing girl in yellow towel_300lied Parenting and I just wanted to share an article my teacher shared with us in class that I thought was just mind blowing. The point of this blog is to share things that I learn in my life and Behavioral Science Family Studies things I learn at school. This is mostly so I can have it later on and if you happen to find it helpful and interesting then awesome!

So in life I love learning new ways of doing things but I always take everything with a grain of salt because let’s be realistic. Life is hard! No one is perfect and their is no perfect way to do anything. This is why I love my Applied Parenting class because my teacher is so realistic about parenting and only suggests ways to improve. She loves to show pictures of children throwing all their toys in the toilet, a mother holding a baby with spit up all down her back, and children throwing tantrums in the middle of the store.  She explains that this is the life of a parent! It is not glamorous and every parent feels like they are messing it up but it is the most rewarding thing a person can do. I love this because that is how life really is.

In this post I am going to share an article she shared with us that I just thought was great. In the next post I will share another one but this one is “10 Alternatives to ‘Consequences’ When Your Child Isn’t Cooperating.” The largest thing that I learned from this is that natural consequences are key to behavior. We watched a movie for another assignment of parents of eight children talking about things that they had learned. One of the biggest things they mentioned was that by letting natural consequences take over it made things easier for them. They were not having constantly punish their child over a lot of little things and had more time to spend with each child. I always love to hear how to make things easier but honestly it this philosophy makes sense! In the article it also explains how to make natural consequences be a motivating tool.

Now I don’t have kids and I will not say that I know anything about having kids! But I do know that be even more successful at anything takes work. This article suggests alternatives that would take work. Now this article is not going to work for everyone or even me! But I have started applying principles of it into my life and I have found improvement. I need to let natural consequences be just that. I should not punish myself for making a mistake! There is going to be a natural consequence for my mistake and I need to let that be that, otherwise I am just wasting energy and making myself more depressed. It is the same with my husband. He is going to make mistakes and instead of getting upset with him I just need to let those natural consequences be that.

Also, this does not just apply to children! The biggest point of the article is when something needs done and a person is not doing it then instead of letting anger and frustration control actions we can find more positive alternatives to persuade them to accomplish it. This applies to everyone and can work on children as well as spouses, coworkers, or who ever. This is something I need to work on and I am glad that this article laid out other ways that I can accomplish this.

Dumbledore + Sister Linda K. Burton = More happiness in my marriage

I am a huge Harry Potter fan! Like I was completely obsessed with it growing up to the point that I slept with all the books under my pillow and as punishments my mom threatened to take away my Harry Potter books. I am not joking…

dumbledoreOne of my favorite popular quotes from the book comes from one of the best characters, Dumbledore, “Soon we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy.” Now, there is a lot of depth to this quote and I love and remember this quote often. As I was reading the talk We’ll Ascend Together by Sister Linda K. Burton, I came up with a twist on the quote to help me remember to make a happier marriage.

In the talk she asks a couple of questions to us wives and the one that stood out to me the most was, “When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be ‘right’?” This hit me because I love to be right and majority of the time I truly believe that I am correct and everyone else is wrong. This can cause problems in my marriage when both my husband and I believe we are correct about different things. Plus, I am stubborn and demand to be right.

CBw8JDzUoAAFGq7The first thing that came to my mind when I read this question was a twist on Dumbledore’s quote and Sister Burton’s question, “Soon we must all face the choice between demanding to be right and being happy.” Now I know, it’s not as cool sounding but by combing the two quotes it made it easier for me to remember. That way it reminds me to work on this because I can quote it to myself often.

This week I had one of these times when the choice came up. My husband and I were going to meet my family at the temple to do one last session with sister before she left on her mission so I was very excited about it. My husband and I disagreed on what time we needed to leave in order to make it there in time. I am the kind of person who likes to be early where my husband likes to just show up right in time. I was super worried about leaving at my husband’s time for fear of missing the session but we left at his time regardless.

When we got into the temple we were too late and just missed the session and my family. I just sat their holding back tears as white hot anger towards him coursed through me. I so badly wanted to tell him that it was all his fault because I’m always right and he was being dumb to not listen to me! Then the “quote” hit me, “Soon we must all face the choice between demanding to be right and being happy.”

DSCN0995Yes, I had been right about what time to leave but did I need to demand from him to understand that and make him feel guilty about it? Or did I need let it go and just be happy that I get to go to the temple with my husband? I have to be honest, it wasn’t an easy choice because I was hurt and angry and those emotions were running deep and hot, but I decided to forgive him without saying anything about being right. I just focused on the positives of being in the temple with my husband.

By going through this experience I was surprised how much happier I can be by not demanding to be right. Yes, demanding to be right I get this short lived gleeful feeling that is addicting but it’s followed by a sad and hurt husband which in turn hurts me and my marriage. When instead of getting angry and gently forgiving my husband it created a a closer happier marriage. In to book, Fighting for you Marriage, it explains this when it, “When you experience your partner behaving toward you with care and sensitivity, you develop a greater sense of trust, which also deepens intimacy. We call this a positive feedback cycle: each positive behavior leads to another positive behavior.” When I choice to focus on the positives it gave me true happiness that lasted the rest of the night. I fell more in love with my husband and had one of the best temple sessions I had had in a long time all because I made the uneasy choice to be happy instead of right.

Pre-mission jitters! And I’m not even the one leaving!

11830889_1618067938458295_1172946764_nIn two days my sister leaves on her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the Atlanta, Georgia North Mission. I am filled with so many emotions at this point but mostly I am so excited for her! I am excited to watch her learn and grow both mentally and spiritually. As I listened to her farewell talk, which was wonderful by the way, I could not help but wonder how more amazing her homecoming talk is going to be. I am just excited to see her become the woman she has always had inside of her.

11012520_1594451417486614_729651280165604140_oWhile I know she is nothing but ready to leave and move on with her life to grander adventures, I am also a little sad because I know that I am going to miss her. She is my only sister. There was a point in fourth grade where my teacher told me that one day my sister would become my best friend and I remember thinking, Oh sure! Because at that point we fought like cats and dogs! Now I know what my teacher is talking about. I actually now enjoy spending time with my sister! We have girl dates and go to Cafe Zupas and get cupcakes and pretend we are judges from Cupcake Wars. We call each other up and talk about how we can’t believe what happened on our favorite TV show’s. She motivates me to work out because she is so diligent at it. At the beginning of this summer we went to St. George, Utah and ran a 5K together which is something I would never have done on my own. I am going to miss these moments!

2010

2010

Being someone who just hates change, one of my biggest anxieties about my sister leaving on her mission is that then one of my brothers will leave on his mission while she is still out and then another brother who is in college is going to move out of the house. My family is going to change and that just saddens me. I am close with my family and the thought of them not all being there when I got home makes my heart sink. Because of all of this my family took family

2015

2015

pictures together before everything changes. Looking at those pictures compared to the family pictures we took back in 2010 I realized how much my family has already changed. We are all so much older and I’m moved out and married so we have a new addition to the family. The two youngest boys I still see as little boys but looking at the pictures I realized they are almost young men now! Taking pictures made me realize that my family is always changing and growing and it’s okay. My dad keeps saying that he’s not sad by all the changes but just excited to see what the future holds for each of us. Times are a changing and that is okay!

11845892_1618067941791628_1022918822_nI have to say how proud I am of each and everyone of my siblings. The more I am around each one of them I realize how much greater of a person they are and I admire each one of them for different reasons! Here I am the oldest and suppose to be the role model for them but their testimonies and lives are instead truly examples to me of how I can be a better person.

11062786_858246894223869_384427802855448900_nI am especially proud of my sister for making the choice to serve the Lord and the people of Atlanta for a year and a half. I know she is going to make a great missionary and that there are people their waiting for her specifically because she will make a difference in their life with her peaceful testimony. I also know that there are people that are going to make a difference in her life and who will change her life for good.

~*~

Good luck on your mission! I love and miss you so much! 11824218_1618067931791629_1354459170_n